Well, today is the big V-Day and like any lonely, self-absorbed blogger, I have to crank out some sort of article about the subject of love to get caught up in the whirlwind of search activity and feel better about myself. Love is a tricky and elusive beast that you have to sneak up on and tranquilize properly to get it to do your bidding. Fortunately, there are a plethora of sources out there to help you on your quest. One of which is the trendy, Paranormal Romance genre of fiction and movies.

Last year, I decided to go out on a crazy limb and actually read some of this exploding genre to see what it was all about. I ended up reading almost 100,000 words from the indie PR author, Zoe Winters. Wow, did my eyes get opened. I soon found a perfect girl-attracting formula contained within those words that can help all of us single guys out there.

Zombie Valentine

All girls dream about being swept away by a hero, preferably a sparkly, pasty one. In case you don’t fit that bill, here are three simple steps to securing your very own chick, PR style:

1. Lock Her Away

The first thing you have to do is get her alone . You may want to stage a near death situation where you can jump in and rescue her at the last minute. For instance, a van (driven by your friend) careening through a parking lot that you use your ‘supernatural’ strength to push it out of the way just as it is about to hit her. Get on YouTube and search out car stunts to get more ideas of this nature.

After this, she should be pretty well shaken up, which is the perfect opportunity to take her to your ‘secret lair’ where you will eternally guard her from the entire paranormal world. She may resist at first as she will not immediately understand your manufactured delusions reasoning as to why she needs protection.

Which is exactly why you should…

2. Tell Her You Have Powers

No chick wants to date some boring guy who leads a boring life. Spice it up with an awesome back story about how you have been around for a few generations locked in a bitter struggle with your mortal enemies. Just let your imagination go wild. This is your chance to become what you have always dreamed of: vampire, high functioning zombie, werewolf, Mel Gibson (if you really want to terrify her, not recommended) etc…

You might also have to convince her that since you are much older (but appear to be the same age), that it isn’t creepy for you to be dating her. Just use whatever justification Hugh Helner uses and you will be good.

After you have this in place, it is time to…

3. Convince Her of an Assassination Plot

As with all healthy relationships, everything has to be about her, so make sure to let her know that there are terrible creatures roaming the night looking to dine on her blood and you are the only one who can stop them. This way, she will lean on you whenever trouble comes around the corner. She may give you crazy looks to begin with, but when she realizes that you love her enough to put yourself into immortal (make sure your back story has this word sprinkled throughout it) danger, she will never leave your side.


So there you have it, three simple steps to finding a date for all you single guys on this Singles’ Awareness Day. I think I am going to go cry in a corner now…